I speak for EVERY MAN on the PLANET authoritatively when I say that Sarah Jessica Parker, God bless her soul, is so unattractive that children born within four miles of her automatically get jaundice. We share this opinion universally. It has become clear that terrorists hate this country because of our refusal to veil her face, though they have no problem with our exposure of other women. Most of the arms buildup of the Cold War was spent finding ways to eradicate all photographic evidence of her face and neck; the Soviet Union won by passing laws against awful television, nipping in the bud the problem America had to face. This is an isolated example of the success of communism.
One woman slightly uglier than Sarah Jessica Parker--if your imagination allows--is Uma Thurman. Now everyone is aware that there are two kinds of aunts: there are large jovial aunt, and there are slim terrifying aunts. Uma Thurman is of the second variety. Her role in Pulp Fiction was so unnecessary that George Lucas based the character Jar Jar Binks on her performance. Quentin Tarantino's attraction to Thurman has led more than a few people to atheism, since it seems that a good God could not allow such a horrible thing to happen. (This poses no problem for me, as I hold Tarantino in low regard.) Her eyes are so far apart that one has to take a Great Circle across her forehead to get from one eye to another. I've run out of places to burn myself with cigarettes in an attempt to take my mind off her visage. Even her name is ugly. Hearing that guttural Teutonic moniker generally makes men sterile.
And that's all. Have a nice Grand Prix weekend!
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